So before Christmas I made a terrible difficult decision and afterwards I felt so sad and yet also a little bit lighter, and over the holidays, I began to notice a little bit of contentment creeping in. It felt good but fragile, like I couldn't quite believe it. Like if I turned round too quickly it would be gone.
Then I went back to work and things crashed down around my ears and I hung in there for dear life. I missed someone so very much and yet I noticed that reminders of the difficult times were also painful. No way out. I just had to try and stay still and wait for it to pass.
Then suddenly, over a weekend, things got clearer. I had space, I had time, I could think more clearly, I realised things, important things, like I was OK really, like I was worth something, that I was a boon to people, and that those who had made me feel otherwise were long gone and I didn't need to believe what they had told me.
And now I am back in the hole. The hole of missing. The hole of pain. The hole of daily pinpricks that remind me what I have lost.
I have been here before. It's dark. It's black. It's cold. There's no colour. I can't sleep.
But I have come out of here before. And I can again.
I'll be back. Because things gained are never lost for ever.
No comments:
Post a Comment