Last night was spiritual bootcamp, from yoga to compassion class.
The yoga was hard. Very hard. The heels of my hands ached for an hour afterwards. But I realised that, for some of the time, I had not been subsumed with thoughts but was just in my body as I struggled into yet another plank or downward dog. I'll try it again next week, if I can. Oh, and I learnt that we are going to be doing the splits by Christmas. Hmmm.
So from there I cycled, with no lights on, to Rigpa and their compassion course. A counselling classic I read last week advised developing unconditional positive regard for oneself so that you can truly have it for clients.
I need some help with this.
I realised a few things. I only have uncomplicated unconditional love at the moment for my cats, my nephew and one or two of my friends. And for the members of Gateway Women, most of whom I have never met. And for my clients. And for my god daughter. So what stops me from loving the rest of my family and friends in this way? I have a sneaking and fairly unpleasant suspicion it is because I feel angry with them. Which means I probably feel angry with myself.
I realised a few things last night.
One was that there are two ways of learning something. One way, you can talk about something, you can describe it, you can even try and practice it, with reminders. The other way, it permeates you from the inside out and you live it. You truly walk the walk. You model compassion. No words are necessary.
I don;t think I will ever get there. But I can try.
Also, check out a film called 'Happy' by Roko Belic. Looks pretty cool.
http://www.thehappymovie.com/
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