It's been nearly a month since I've written a new chapter. I've just not had the energy to try and make sense of what is happening. I've been dipping in and out of grief, and wishing I could stay there, to get it over with quicker.
But my predominant feeling is that I am exhausted.
I've been busy - learning to sing, going to a festival (you should check out the wonderful Lunar Festival in Warwickshire, like festivals used to be!), going to a Quaker weekend, entertaining family. But I am literally tired of my situation, so tired that sometimes I just sit, unable to move.
I am full of longing, full of shame, full of anger, but most of all full of an enervating tiredness that covers me like a slow tide from head to feet.
I am in the trough of a massive wave, in the dark of the storm, looking up at the sunlit and sparkling sea above that I will never go to.
Part of the Quaker weekend included a guided meditation about being a seed in the earth, and having to grow up, making your way past the stones and finding a way through the obstacles. I realised that right now, I don't want to grow, I don't want to leave the all encompassing earth. I just want to stay here, bruised and broken, safe in the earth, until the path of my growth becomes clear.
I am tired of stones and obstacles.
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