Chapter 10 Powerful and beautiful

So I struggled through the last week and finally made it to the holidays. One week off, and never have I been so grateful or so in need.

My new policy of trying to feel what I feel and not shy away from my grief is good, but the future seems desolate and bleak. I am not sure how much I can say about it really...I wept earlier this week when I realised that the future is a place I don't want to go to any more.

However, I also know that the future doesn't exist, all that exists is what happens day by day, hour by hour and minute by minute.

I saw a post on Facebook where a woman said that motherhood was the most powerful and beautiful thing there was. This hurt. But I realised that what she really meant was the most powerful and beautiful thing there was to her and that helped a little.

What have I done this week? I went to sewing club, I drove to London for a party and I had dinner with a friend, followed by an event in Brighton with lights and fireworks on the beach. My friend listened, which I really appreciated. I explained to her that ultimately it is comforting to know that I have done everything I can to have a child through adoption, and there is nothing I can do now but process the aftermath, the trauma and the grief.

But feeling what I feel is so painful and the place I am in is so dark and grey and colourless and cold and empty, and the future seems worse.

I now have a week off, and a list of things to do, and an absolute commitment not to overfill my time but to recapture the original title of this blog and to stand and stare at this beautiful world.