Chapter 5

Back to school this week. Not an easy time. I started a new part time job too, and what with that and the possible sleep apnoea, and the weekend trip to France (of which more below), I have been beyond exhausted.

I've also been much preoccupied by meaning and how to have meaning and fun in my life.

I've also been resisting stuckness, not wanting to stay in this sadness bubble as a childless woman, wanting to journey through the sadness and then move on. I envisage that in two years time, or thereabouts, I will be able to cope 90% of the time with my situation and feel happy most of the time.I don't think that is overambitious.

So what have I done to make my life into a book that I, and others, want to read and can't put down?

I spent 36 hours in the French countryside with some friends old and new, visiting First World War battle sites, reciting poetry and reading letters from the time. A rich, moving and at times very sad weekend. But worth it.

I carried on gardening when I had time.

I read a disturbing but brilliant novel by Sarah Waters, 'The Paying Guests.'

I vowed to really invest in my house and make it lovely.

I walked with my friend and two dogs on the Sussex Downs.

I started my skirt project at sewing club.

And the meaning question - I am not sure of the details yet. But I am going to walk long distance paths, I am going to travel, I am going to write and I am going to create something new to help tackle loneliness in myself and others. And, some day soon, I am going to fall in love again.

If I was a religious person, I'd be saying to God, 'take my life and make something of it, of me', as if I were clay to be moulded. But I am not a religious person, and I believe the only person who can make something of my life is me. Power comes from within, not without, although our friends can help us, only we can act. So, Rose, take your life and make something of it, of me.