Chapter 17 Why do I need to matter? or Not Really Redundant!

So this week I became redundant and it somehow knocked me out of the depressive phase I had been in! I think I needed this to happen, needed a kick up the behind to make me see that my life has become unsustainable. Put simply, I have burnt out, and I 'blame' the whole long drama of trying to have a child for this. This burn out has been five long years in the making...and I think the end is in sight! The exclamation mark is because, strangely, being made redundant is exciting.

I have all sorts of exciting plans for rebooting my life, and here they are:

• Finally write my book...either finish my novel or begin an exciting new but rather massive project on the point of suffering...
• Travel round Europe or go to Bhutan or Ladakh
• Become a Wwoofer or do some other volunteer work
• Start a charity/social enterpreneurial project
• Learn to fly on a trapeze
• Or something else!

What seems right is to establish a space, a space and some time to allow the right future for me now to emerge. There is nothing holding me down to earth right now, and in the past that has been destabilising and terrifying and deeply sad. But now I feel free. Scared, and slightly daunted, but nonetheless free.

If I hadn't been turned down to adopt, and was still waiting to be matched, this would be a huge set back, putting me back into self doubt, and I would have to rush into finding another job, probably one I didn't really want. As it is, I have time to wait and see and I think that is my greatest gift right now.

I have also been thinking: why do I need to matter, why do I need to continually help and serve others, why do I need to be important? Isn't it OK just to be me and to live each day doing my best. I think it might be.

And what have I done this week to make my life a chapter in a book worth reading? I have carried on and not given up. I went to a beginners trapeze class and loved it and I started a new volunteer job feeding orphaned baby birds. I am now a baby bird foster mum! And I learned to sing 'Tomorrow' in my singing lesson, the lyrics of which seem apt:

The sun'll come out

Tomorrow

Bet your bottom dollar

That tomorrow

There'll be sun!

Just thinkin' about 

Tomorrow

Clears away the cobwebs,

And the sorrow

'Til there's none!

When I'm stuck in a day

That's gray,

And lonely,

I just stick out my chin

And Grin,

And Say,

Oh

The sun'll come out 

Tomorrow 

So ya gotta hang on

'Til tomorrow

Come what may